Differentiated attachment is the ability to be near and close to our partner without losing ourselves. We "hold onto our Real Self" and deeply connect to our partner. In couple sessions, I encourage each person to stop seeing their partner as an extension of them. Rather, they need to see their partner as a separate person on his/her own journey in life. Each person's task, then, is to courageously reveal who they are to the other while the other person "listens for understanding." This typically increases compassion and intimacy for both. This is not simply a communication skill. This is a profound attitude shift: seeing one's partner as separate while being deeply interested in their plight.